I haven't updated my blog recently because I'm not sure what to say except that, for the most part, I've been feeling pretty good. I am definitely getting stronger, and have been increasing the resistance of my ankle fins during the pool PT sessions. When I do the exercises on my own, because I don't have the fins, I've increased the number of reps I do. I have added in-water squats to the mix and some stepping exercises also. I've been having a really hard time with the straight-legged walking motion in that my legs kind of wiggle through the water. Jenn (my physical therapist) says that it's because I have extremely weak gluteus medius muscles. That is the butt muscle on the side, so it makes a whole lot of sense that its weakness has been making me compensate with other muscles, etc., and that's why my IT band is so darn tight.
I've been doing my pool PT 3x/week, and my land-based PT exercises the other 4 days. Additionally, I've thrown in some swimming and some walking, both of which are mostly comfortable. Last night, for the first time in over a month, I tried my easy 20 minutes Pilates mat video. I definitely am tighter in my legs than I used to be, but with some modifications (bending my legs slightly), I was able to get through the DVD without any pain. No pain a few hours later, but I did stiffen. This morning, I had no pain, but was tight. So, next time, I'll make sure to stretch but....yay!!!!
I admit though that I'm still concerned. My hip is constantly clicking, and I still get the occasional blinding pain when I stand up. I'm getting a little more careful in how I stand, so that I evenly distribute the weight, and I'm wearing better shoes, etc., so that pain seems to be less frequent. But it's frustrating to know that any step could be the one that hurts.
I don't know if the reduced pain is the result of my PT or my weight loss, or both. I haven't lost a ton of weight, but I definitely have lost some and my clothes are getting much looser! I have a strong but highly unrealistic dream of losing all of this excess weight and finding that my hip stops clicking and I can run without a problem. It's silly, I know. It's not like the bone will reshape itself.
I'm feeling a weird mental challenge at the moment. The stronger I get, the more excited I feel and the more I want to try doing the things I was doing before I was injured. Of course, I know I can't, and that makes me very sad. And I'll have random moments throughout the week where, for no apparent reason, I just burst into tears at the utter uncertainty and the pain and the frustration, the why me's, etc. The waterworks don't last for long, and they sometimes are empathetic tears when I read someone else's blog posting. But one surprising thing has helped me over the past few days -- I discovered the story of Job this week. That story definitely struck a chord with me...I'm clearly not the only person who has ever wondered why rotten things happen to good people. And it helped me come to terms with the fact that I don't understand why or how I ended up with a mis-shaped hip, and that I don't know what will happen (in terms of whether I'll need surgery or whether I can postpone it indefinitely with the pool PT).
But I'm seriously lucky. Things could be so much worse than they are, and I have so many good things going on in my life right now. In a few weeks, I'll be celebrating my five-year anniversary with my husband. I've got some of the greatest friends in the world. I enjoy the work that I do, and especially the cases where we get to help employees who have been victims of harassment, discrimination and/or retaliation. I may not be saving the world, but I'm trying hard to make it a little more decent of a place to live in.
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