What's really going on?

I have been asking myself for months now what is really going on in my body? What's really causing all this pain? I visited another doctor and I got another answer. My chiropractor believes that all of the symptoms I've described, including the clicking and stiffness in the hips, could be explained by muscular imbalances and tightness in my hip and rear areas -- particularly the Psoas.

But what about my MRI? It clearly shows a tear and FAI. Well, according to him, that may have been what started all of this, but given the extent of the muscle tightness I've got and the fact that I've lived with this pain for roughly 1.5 years now, he thinks there's a good possibility that if it was a small enough tear it could have healed over or that, even if it didn't, it's not what is causing the pain.

It's not the first time I've been told about this possibility...isn't that the point of Dr. P's interest in trying to isolate the problem by using a shot of Kenalog (sp??). To see if it's the hip or if it's really something else that's causing the pain?  But I don't see him for another few months and in the meantime, I'm not sure what that means for me.

I'm definitely better on days that I do yoga, pool exercises, gyrotonic, or bike. Sitting or standing for long periods of time always triggers the pain. 40% of the time when I stand up, I still get that sharp shooting pain in my inner groin area in both hips. BUT, if I've been sitting for a while and try to stand up, that percentage is more like 95%.

I'm having a hard time mentally dealing with the hip limitations. There's a concert I really wanted to attend this week that I ended up passing on because it's standing-room only and I knew my hip would be screaming within 30 minutes. I haven't gone for a hike or a jog in so long. I miss it so much and I'm itching to give it a try.  But I'm pretty sure I shouldn't yet. This month has been particularly tough. Last year this month, I ran the Nike Women's Half Marathon and, despite fleeting and occasional pain, still felt on top of the world.  I'm having a hard time accepting that I'm not running at all anymore. Since that race, I think I've only logged about 4 miles -- all of which triggered excruciating pain. I was only a "runner" for a fleeting 9 months. How can I miss it so much?

On the other hand, I've come a long way from where I was a few months ago when I started this blog and had difficulty walking through a parking lot. I'm exercising about 5x/week, even if it's not particularly high cardio stuff...though I'm trying to build up my stamina.  I've lost weight and am still losing. I've learned a whole lot about the human body and the many muscles that stabilize our hip and help us move our legs. I've learned quite a bit about nutrition and have discovered some very different but complementary methods of cross-training. I've gotten slightly less neurotically focused on running and have gained a whole lot more respect for the body.

I want to throw my hands in the air and say, fine I surrender universe -- I accept it's not in my control. I'll keep doing what feels good and seems to make me healthier, but I will be grateful for all the blessings in my life and the fact that what I'm going through is hardly a big deal compared to so many people out there who are going through much more serious and upsetting problems. I really want to do that. But I'm having a hard time letting go. The irony though is that I'm not actually holding onto control. I never had any. So what am I holding onto so tightly?