reflecting on pain

I was thinking a bit today about pain and illness. When the pain really flared up in my hip, I was in the midst of an intense year of marathon training and had convinced myself that I would qualify for Boston sometime before I turned 50. (Given that I was averaging a 12-13 minute mile, and I would have to average something closer to a 7 minute mile to qualify at this point, that was an insane goal, but something I thought would encourage me to keep working at running over many years).  But I wasn't training well -- I was still eating poorly, I wasn't really cross-training, I barely did any strength training or stretching -- all I did was run, walk, and do a little bit of stretching on occasion.  I had symptoms that something wasn't right...the hip pain came on gradually and sporadically, and I simply ignored it and worked through it.  Had the pain not gotten as intense and debilitating as it had, I would have kept on going with such an incomplete system of training.

This injury forced me to stop and change everything about the way I treat my body and train. It forced me to revamp my diet, to strengthen my muscles and to pay attention to the imbalances in my muscle strength. It forced me to cross-train -- to introduce low impact exercise into my routine. It forced me to even consider how I enter and exit vehicles, stand up, walk and even what kind of shoes I wear. It forced me to take the time to stretch my muscles and improve my circulation. And through yoga and Pilates, has also helped force me to pay attention to my breath and how it impacts my body and my mind.

Are we faced with injuries to force us to re-evaluate our lives (physical or emotional)? I think that's a different question than do we deserve the injuries we get, which I heartily believe we do not. I don't think anyone deserves to get sick or face cancer or any serious illness. But I know that such illnesses change us, help us appreciate the support in our lives, the good days, the pain-free and illness-free moments. They help us appreciate the now and the things that work. And, at least in my case, they've forced me to revamp my life.

I don't know that this is a particularly scientific thought-process. Of course, people who live really healthy lives with well-balanced diets, exercise, etc., get horribly ill. I'm not sure what to make of that. On the other hand, being physically balanced does not always mean that we're emotionally balanced and aren't facing tremendous mental challenges. Maybe our physical illnesses, despite good physical health, are a manifestation of our emotional issues.

I don't really have a clue. Regardless of why I ended up with such pain, it has been a frustratingly life-altering mirror reflecting back to me the choices I've made and the goals and values I've had up till now. So although I go through moments of denial and frustration and depression, I'm really trying to embrace the gift of forced self-reflection.