Uncertainty...almost as bad as the pain

The worst part about waiting to hear from other doctors so far is that I feel like my hip is getting worse each week.  It's no longer even just my right hip. My left hip has been popping, and hurts sometimes when I stand up. I wonder if I should start the ball rolling on that hip also, since, I assume, it's probably the same thing as what's wrong with the right hip. My unscientific theory for linking the two hips is that the pain in the left started at the same time as my right hip pain (though much easier to ignore because the pain wasn't as severe) and because it's also getting worse in the same way and the pain moves around in the same way. Or I can try to fix the right hip, and possibly live with the issues in my left. It really doesn't bother me nearly as much as the right. On the other hand, if it's a labral tear, I'm sure it will start bothering me more once I regain my activity. So maybe it's not worth waiting. Who knows. I suppose I should ask the surgeons about it.

But almost as bad as the increasing physical pain is the complete and utter lack of certainty about who, what, where, when and why.  Who will be doing the surgery? What surgery (FAI, labral repair, labral debridement)? Where (in-state, out-of-state), When (next month, the fall, the winter, 2011)? Why? Well, I know why I need surgery, but I link the "why" question with the "what" question. The answer to "what" or "which" surgery I need will necessarily depend upon "why" I need any particular procedure.

I called Vail for an update on Wednesday and spoke with Madeline, who as usual was incredibly kind, but let me know that I probably wouldn't hear anything until next week.  So naturally I'm bummed.  At this point, I'd just like to know if I'm looking at a 2011 surgery or something within the next month or so. I am going to have to take off of work for the surgery and some of the rehab period, and I'm sure I'll need to adjust my schedule somewhat as I return to work (with various PT appointments, follow-up visits, etc). How am I to plan around two completely distinct possible scenarios? And more than actual preparation, I simply have this nonstop nagging in my head about the five W's. It's like a broken record that I can't stop from repeating constantly.  And completely aside from the numerous questions about the surgery, I have as many about post-surgery. Mainly, how will my body heal?

I know I love to be in control and this feels a bit like a sick joke that the universe is playing on me.  But truly, how else can a person learn to surrender control and certainty than to be in a situation where she has neither?